Tag Archive: douchebags


Ski jumping looks like a truly terrifying endeavor.  It combines a few of my ultimate fears, like skiing and falling from high places.  I would not make a good ski jumper.  One of our little American guys totally just botched his landing.  Like fell on his ass.  But I find it really rather impressive that even when these guys bust ass, they just pop right up and go on down the hill.  Last time I went skiing, I ended up sliding down the mountain on my butt.  No popping for me. 

But enough Olympic commentary.  I was totally blindsided by a different type of gym douchebaggery this evening; I’m not sure why I never thought of it before, but there are lady douchebags out there too!  And I saw many of them tonight, all with this one horrible habit: they don’t know how to use the machines.  I don’t know if they can’t read the instructions or are just completely self-absorbed and hopefully deaf.  That loud banging noise that happens when the weights slam together?  That’s not good!  It’s not supposed to do that!  See how no one around you is doing it like that?  I find it’s worst on the torso rotator (or as I prefer to see it, the ultimate back popping machine), where despite explicit instructions printed right at eye level, they somehow don’t comprehend that you’re supposed to do it one way and then the other, not all the way around all at once.  And it would be one thing if it was an old person, or someone who looks like they haven’t stepped in a gym in thirty years.  But it’s always a 95 lb teenage girl who looks like she’s spent 30 hours a week in a gym.  Or throwing up after meals.

Speaking of too skinny for her own good, ice dancing is on!  Skating is just something I could never get into.  I have mad respect for the folks that can do it, and well at that.  And this pair is skating to a Linkin Park song?  What?!?  Yeah, I liked it a lot better with the sound off.  MUTE.  Sorry.  And why on earth is this guy dressed like a clock?  My guess: preparing for his future career as Cogsworth for next year’s Disney on Ice. 

For a second there, I wanted to think that someone should put together a badass Metal On Ice show.  Like with Motorhead and ACDC.  But there’s nothing metal about ice dancing.  Hockey, maybe.  Dancing?  Not so much.  Winter Olympics needs more full-contact sports.  Less figure skating, more Rollerball.  Let’s see some blood splatters on those sequins! 

And that’s why I’ve never been chosen for an olympic committee.

So I just got back from the gym…

Yes, it’s one of those blogs.  But just for a moment so I can tell you about GYM DOUCHEBAG NUMERO UNO!  I’m sure you know the guy: fake tan, fauxhawk, some kinda Jersey Shore ripoff.  So I’m over in the freeweights, minding my business, trying to not look like a pussy with my 10 lb weights, when I see him looking at me in the mirror.  Creepy, right?  So of course I have to walk past him to put my weights up, and when I do he says something to me.  I thought it was pretty obvious by the large white cords hanging from my ears that I don’t wanna talk to anyone, but that didn’t deter mister shiny-pecs.  So I stop, take the time to pause my iPod, and let him know that I couldn’t hear him.  Of course I’m trying to be polite, because maybe I sat in gum or my shoe is untied, giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he’s just being courteous.  And he says to me, “So, you come here often?”

Really?  People actually, really say that?  In real life?  I stopped “Bat Out of Hell” for that

For a moment I was relatively speechless; luckily my snark factor kicked in rather quickly and I gave him the “yeah, with my husband”, complete with eyeroll and quick departure from the area.  As you can see, I’m still a little stunned. 

Maybe it’s because I’m a writer and my mind is endlessly arranging and rearranging words, meticulously calculating everything that comes out of my mouth, but a certain part of me expects people to be at least a little creative.  I know that’s probably silly of me, and a lot of people just lack the capacity, the imagination.  And it might be unfair of me to judge someone based on their lack of linguistic skills, but first impressions are key a lot of times.  I wish there was some way to rig a sign, something that tells people “Your large muscles and orange tan do not impress me; your words better make up for it.”  Or something to that effect.  “Come here often?”  Gah.  Wasted words.

Now don’t be hasty, master Merriadock.  It takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish, and we don’t say anything unless it’s worth taking a long time to say.

This is how my brain works, by the way.  Seemingly random quotes and lyrics fly around all the time, occasionally popping into prominence for one reason or another.  You’ll get used to it. 

Also, just FYI, my favorite human-specific curse: ass-douche. 

I feel like a slacker for not having worked harder on Big Green the last couple of days, so I’m going to try and knock some of that out tonight.  I’m almost finished with a section that’s supposed to look like intertwining trees…and it does!  I know I shouldn’t be surprised, but I have a habit of second-guessing myself; it’s always nice, though, when things turn out the way they should.  The trees look like trees!  The schnozzberries taste like schnozzberries!  And it’s all happy times. 

I’m getting more into Game of Thrones too, slowly but surely.  I’m not doing much time on the bike and treadmill, so it’s coming in little spurts.  One trend I’m noticing: incest.  I guess it’s not so unusual for royal families, but it’s still just the tiniest bit surprising when I do come across it.  And I like that.  I like being surprised.  Dune is also progressing quite well, over halfway through now and it still seems like it’s just getting going.  I guess that’s the idea when you have a series of 700 books.  And maybe that was a detrement of me watching the movie first: I already know what’s coming and I keep thinking, “ok when are they gonna get to this part?”  Luckily all the stuff that didn’t get into the movie is really pretty awesome, so I’m definitely not getting bored in the least. 

Now I think I’m going to have myself a hot bath and a cup of tea, then some knitting work.  I hear Mick plugging away in the other room, so you should have something wonderful to read from him very soon too!  Take care, my preciouses.  Hasta manana.

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